Surviving As Mom

I’m very scattered today. Having trouble concentrating. I have a million tasks running through my head… things on my To-do list, but I can’t seem to get my act together to make it happen. I’ve walked in various rooms with intentions of doing something, then aborted mission and went back to my safe place on the couch. Feeling frustrated, incompetent, disorganized.

I wasn’t feeling well when I woke up, but what else is new? My stomach hurts and I’m nauseous. My body aches. I’m tired and in slow motion. Disoriented. Dazed and confused. I messed up the school schedule today. I thought one of my kids was supposed to be virtual, but it was actually an in-school day, so he’s home. It was his last day to go to school to see his friends and give his teacher her gift before the long holiday break. I really messed that one up. I really feel terrible about it. What a stupid mistake to make! I feel so stupid and incompetent.

In 2 more days I have to take Lucas (11) to his orthodontist appointment. It’ll be the first time I’ll be leaving my house in almost 2 weeks. I don’t want to go. I really don’t like going out anymore. I’m also going to my sister’s for Christmas eve, as we do as a family every year. I love to go, but dread it at the same time. I’ve become so comfortable being home in my safe bubble 24/7. I have no desire to go anywhere. My grandmother was like that. She suffered with Agoraphobia, so her home was her prison. She left her house only a handful of times that I can remember. She was happy though. It was different too because she was extremely social. She ALWAYS had people in her house. Family, friends, and neighbors. I always imagined I’d have as many visitors as her. I do fear becoming like her, always stuck at home. I dread leaving, especially for more than an hour or 2. I occasionally go out to the store if I absolutely have to, but I generally avoid it. The only time I enjoy venturing out is during the few weeks a year when I feel really good. Then I LOVE being out and about! Otherwise, I’d rather just hide indoors. I feel like I have become one with my home. It has become my prison.

Mentally, I am all over the place the last few weeks. Some days I feel deeply depressed. Hopeless, lonely, sad, pathetic. Other days I feel ok. I’ve made peace with my life and I find ways to be happy. Today, I’m not sure. I keep changing how I feel from hour to hour. As I’m typing this, I feel a bit discouraged, numb, defeated. Not quite depressed or sad, but mostly numb. I took a big hit to my confidence when I messed up the school schedule this morning. It seems dumb, but it was a stupid, careless mistake that I should not have made. It just really annoys me when my brain fails me.

Then there’s Covid. My anxiety is through the roof! I’m getting close to cutting off all face to face contact again. I already haven’t let anyone come to my house, except for a few select situations. It’s complicated because I have people come help around the house and 2 different aids during the week to help Lucas. He has Autism so he has someone come help him during virtual school and someone else comes to help him get ready for physical school in the mornings. It’s very helpful for all of us so I’m not quite ready to cut that off yet, but I am getting close. Also, going to my sister’s for Christmas eve scares me, but I’m trying to force myself to be ok with it. My kids all have been begging me for playdates a lot lately and I feel bad to keep telling them no, so yesterday I gave in and let them have friends over. Everyone was happy, but I was extremely nervous about it the whole time and I still have a knot in my stomach about it. I don’t want to catch Covid and I don’t want to be responsible for spreading it to others. I hate this whole thing!!

Like I said, I’m all over the place today…

Now I have to try to wrap some Christmas gifts today, which hasn’t been started at all yet. I was hoping to get it done this week while the kids were in school, but that changed since the schools got shut down early due to a rise in Covid cases. This complicates things a bit. I could stay up late to do it after bedtime, but I’m not good at staying up late. Especially lately. I’ll make it work. I always do.

I’m ok I guess. I’m just trying to stay focused on getting things done and not letting my thoughts and anxiety get the best of me. If I can keep myself busy, I’ll be ok. I just hope my body cooperates.