Surviving As Mom

It’s 12:14 pm on Wednesday as I’m sitting at the kitchen table eating my breakfast. I’m enjoying a bacon and egg sandwich with my cup of tea. Chopin’s Nocturne No 1 in B Flat Minor plays around me. One of my favorites! I like to listen to classical music as I begin my day. It sets a calm tone for the day. I convince myself that one day I will learn to play it on the piano. I adore listening to classical music as go about my day. I have to be in the mood for it though. It is a cold, rainy, gloomy today. It is the right mood. I always have music playing in the background. I can’t stand total silence.

I rolled out of bed at 11 am today. I don’t remember the last time I slept so late. The kids are off of school this week for the Christmas break so no rushing around to get everyone on the bus. Eddie minded them while I slept since he was up for work bright and early. He’s been working from home for almost 2 years now. It definitely has its perks.

Upon waking up and getting myself together, my mind races with thoughts of what I want to do for the day. I get overwhelmed by what my mind is throwing at me and I quickly reset my thoughts to restriction. I want to do… but I can’t. Maybe I should… but my body won’t cooperate. Then I have to shorten my mental to-do list down to a few easy tasks and hope my body will cooperate so I can tackle them for the day. I’ve narrowed it down to cooking dinner, getting some laundry done, and tidying up the house a bit. There is lots of evidence everywhere that the kids are home all week. I also want to take some time to get some piano practice in. I haven’t been able to play with the guitar much because my hands have been a bit stiff and sore. The piano will have to do.

I’m not making as much progress as I’d like with the piano. Sure, I’m reading a little faster and playing is a bit easier, but I want more. I want instant results. I want to put a random piece of music in front of me and just play it to perfection. I know that isn’t realistic. This has always been my problem, and even an obstacle. I want instant results. Instant doesn’t happen unless you are a savant. But a savant I am not! I will have to just be patient with myself and continue taking my microscopic baby steps in the right direction. I have to remind myself that I have made great progress since I started trying about 6 months ago. Only time and continued practice will make a difference. I must stay focused and keep going.

I forgot to make my bed today. I have to go back upstairs to do that. I like to try to make my bed everyday. It is my first accomplished task of the day and it looks and feels great to have a nice, neatly made bed. Usually once I come downstairs, I don’t go back up until bedtime. I go through waves of getting it done daily and not caring at all.

I need to try to get some more reading done. I have been trying to finish my book for about a month now. I love what I’m reading but I need time to get in the right mindset for it. I need to get in the zone. It is Stephen Hawking’s “A Brief History of Time”. It’s all about astrophysics and the Cosmos. I love learning about this stuff, but it is a bit intensive. I need to focus to absorb the information. Also, reading tends to put me to sleep, so I can’t just pick up the book any old time and read. Its complicated… as is everything in my world. I wish we could do like in the Matrix where we plug in and download info straight to our brain. I would just download information all day long!! I love to learn!

I wonder where my thoughts till take me today. Will I be upbeat and positive? I’m ok right now. Will something trigger a negative chain of thoughts and make me depressed? I hope not. I like being content and calm, like I feel right now. I like clarity in my mind. I like when I don’t have a nagging voice inside telling me how useless I am and pointing out all the ways that I’m a failure. Today… right now I will refocus all of my power to positivity and contentment. I never hear good things like how I’m amazing or strong, or any of those other useful positive mantras that people repeat to themselves to stay motivated. The best I get is the lack of negativity. Silence rather than harsh words. Don’t allow self hate today. It’s the best I can do.

I must keep my mind occupied so I only hear what I’m doing or learning about. Keep that stuff louder than the hateful critic that lives in my head. It usually works. Today it has to work!

For now I will enjoy the last few delicious sips of my tea as I’m finishing up my morning routine. I love my tea. It brings me such peace and comfort. I don’t like coffee. Tea is my drug. Warm, smooth, sweet. Calm, comforting. As I drink, I take in the beauty around me. On the table in front of me I have a small vase with 2 white lilies, a red carnation, and some unknown green flowers. I love flowers! I try to keep at least one real bouquet in the house at all times. I have lots of fake flowers in different locations around the house. They are little pops of magic that remind me to find beauty throughout the day. I also like to sit here and watch the birds. I get such pretty birds in my yard and I love to watch them frolic as I drink my tea. I ran out of bird seeds though so they haven’t been around as much. I have to buy more so my colorful little friends will return. They bring me such peace and happiness.

Each morning I try to set my intentions for the day of peace and happiness. I’m not always successful. Especially if there is drama first thing in the morning. Today started peacefully enough. I’m hoping to carry it through the rest of today.