Confused

Today is a better day. A stark contrast from 2 days ago. The sun came out and I can see goodness, although my view of the world is still a bit skewed. My depression is still lingering but it is much lighter today. Dare I say I’m on the upswing. I did finally reach out for help and contact a mental health professional. I have been resistant to medications forever and I’m finally realizing that maybe, just maybe it can improve my state of mind a bit. I’ve been really struggling with my mental health and have been barely hanging on. I finally hit my breaking point. It was a relief. All the ugliness and poison inside of me spewed out like an eruption. I feel better now with it all out of me.

I had Covid last week. My first time. It came from a relative during a summer BBQ. It hit me pretty hard and I spent the first night in the hospital getting rehydrated. I was vomiting all day and couldn’t keep anything down. Unfortunately for me a day without food and water cripples me. I was dehydrated and weak and I knew I couldn’t bring myself back from that. I needed IV fluids to get myself better. It happens every time I get sick with vomiting. No biggie. The hospital also gave me an antibody infusion to fight the Covid. I guess it worked because a week later and I’m starting to feel more like myself again.

The biggest thing on my mind lately is this whole Autism thing. I wrote about it a few posts back. Let me refresh… I found out at 41 years old that I am Autistic. I was never diagnosed as a child so I’ve lived my life struggling with certain issues and beating myself up daily over my challenges. I began to suspect it a few years ago when I learned about my son’s Autism. As I learned about his stuff, I recognized all of the same issue in myself. My husband agrees that I fit the mould for sure. I thought having a cause for my lifelong challenges would bring relief. It didn’t. I can say that I am having a hard time with this reality.

I’m angry that I’ve been forced to live with this completely on my own without help. I’ve spent my life thinking I was broken and hated myself for not doing things like a normal person. I’ve tormented myself over my flaws and challenges. I can’t help but wonder how much better I’d be if I had the correct therapies.

I’m a bit embarrassed by my Autism. I don’t plan to tell anyone outside of my own home. First, I’m not sure I’d be believed. They’d just think I’m crazy or attention seeking. I’m also embarrassed by my behavior in all my years that may have been considered rude, inappropriate, odd, etc. Most of the time I was totally unaware that what I was doing was wrong. Now I’m afraid to talk to anyone because I’m so aware of my every move, word, facial expression, etc. I’m always analyzing myself to make sure I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m always trying not to embarrass myself. It’s exhausting.

Hopefully this new doctor can medicate me properly and offer the correct therapy to help me figure things out and maybe I can be a little more forgiving to myself. I just want peace in my life. I do not have peace inside my head. It’s always chaotic, hateful, loud, brutal, and confusing. I want a peaceful mind. And maybe one day I can learn to like myself a little.

Photo by Javon Swaby on Pexels.com

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