I feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. My thoughts are spiraling out of control again. Negative thoughts. Ugly thoughts. Wondering who I really am. Feeling lost. Confused. Not sure who I am. Did I ever know who I was? When I was a teenager I was blissfully unaware of life and just happy and content doing whatever it was that I was doing. Feeling full confidence with an “i don’t give a fuck” attitude. I was so happy and free. I knew exactly who I was. Now I just don’t know anymore. I’ve had to manufacture a new me. One that is more accepted by everyone around me. I am not real. I am a robot who has been assimilated into the world. I blend in now. No real personality. The real me was wrong. I had to change me. Now I’ve forgotten how to be me. I am an empty shell. The product of copying the best qualities of everyone else. I’ve studied people’s personality traits and tried to adapt those qualities into my own world. Don’t be rude. Don’t speak truth. You may offend someone. Just smile and pretend. It feels so bad. So empty. So fake. I hate fake.
Nothing likable about me. No great qualities to speak of. Not funny. Not a good friend. Not inspirational. Just nothing. One day when I am gone, no one will even care. No long line of mourners who had great things to say about me as a person. No one to truly miss me. I will disappear unnoticed. So sad. I did not change anyone’s life or leave a lasting (good) impression. Hardly memorable. I simply exist as a robot. Just going through the motions. That’s it. Meaningless.
Failure everyday. Zero accomplishments. No talents. No skills. Just disappointment all around. Nothing to be proud of. Just failure… everyday. Everything I do is wrong. Crushed.
I hate these ugly thoughts. It’s all I hear. It’s so loud! It’s always in my head reminding me of my failures. Screaming at me so its all I hear in everything I do. Washing the dishes… Failure. Laundry… good for nothing. Cooking dinner… waste of life. Don’t bother trying to accomplish anything because its just gonna result if failure. why bother? NO point.
yes, I know this sound suicidal. and yes, I have always had thoughts like this. Don’t worry. I’m not gonna actually do it. But its always there… in my head. Taunting me. Reminding me how useless I am. But I’m still here. I’m always just here.