Spiraling

I feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. My thoughts are spiraling out of control again. Negative thoughts. Ugly thoughts. Wondering who I really am. Feeling lost. Confused. Not sure who I am. Did I ever know who I was? When I was a teenager I was blissfully unaware of life and just happy and content doing whatever it was that I was doing. Feeling full confidence with an “i don’t give a fuck” attitude. I was so happy and free. I knew exactly who I was. Now I just don’t know anymore. I’ve had to manufacture a new me. One that is more accepted by everyone around me. I am not real. I am a robot who has been assimilated into the world. I blend in now. No real personality. The real me was wrong. I had to change me. Now I’ve forgotten how to be me. I am an empty shell. The product of copying the best qualities of everyone else. I’ve studied people’s personality traits and tried to adapt those qualities into my own world. Don’t be rude. Don’t speak truth. You may offend someone. Just smile and pretend. It feels so bad. So empty. So fake. I hate fake.

Nothing likable about me. No great qualities to speak of. Not funny. Not a good friend. Not inspirational. Just nothing. One day when I am gone, no one will even care. No long line of mourners who had great things to say about me as a person. No one to truly miss me. I will disappear unnoticed. So sad. I did not change anyone’s life or leave a lasting (good) impression. Hardly memorable. I simply exist as a robot. Just going through the motions. That’s it. Meaningless.

Failure everyday. Zero accomplishments. No talents. No skills. Just disappointment all around. Nothing to be proud of. Just failure… everyday. Everything I do is wrong. Crushed.

I hate these ugly thoughts. It’s all I hear. It’s so loud! It’s always in my head reminding me of my failures. Screaming at me so its all I hear in everything I do. Washing the dishes… Failure. Laundry… good for nothing. Cooking dinner… waste of life. Don’t bother trying to accomplish anything because its just gonna result if failure. why bother? NO point.

yes, I know this sound suicidal. and yes, I have always had thoughts like this. Don’t worry. I’m not gonna actually do it. But its always there… in my head. Taunting me. Reminding me how useless I am. But I’m still here. I’m always just here.

8 responses to “Spiraling”

  1. Meredith,
    Just love and be loved. That’s all you can do. But you have to love you! From the little I know in reading your blog and stories, you have inspired me. Inspired me to keep moving forward even when like I feel I can’t. You do. Now I do. It is all about love and kindness. That is all that matters. Quality. No quantity. Surround yourself with that. Give that. I know how hard those thoughts are….so hard. Just keep taking baby steps. Forward.
    Love you for who you are and made me become.

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  2. I think any person would go through exactly what you are describing if they were given the load you are carrying. I only say that because I’m feeling the exact thing you wrote here, and have been for years and years. And I’m becoming more confident that this feeling isn’t our fault, that it’s how the brain tries to cope with the unacceptable. It feels dehumanizing and I hate it. Thanks for posting this, I feel less alone even if that doesn’t fix anything.

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  3. Hi Meredith,
    I’m do sorry to hear you are going through such an emotionally hard time. I can relate to a lot of your feelings. I’ve written you several times before because I also have sjogrens and like to share or commiserate.
    I also have Graves’ disease, and that got really bad last year, so I had to have my thyroid out and in doing so I lost 2 of my 4 parathyroid glands. You can do fine with just one so I thought I was good. They control your calcium. I was told by my ENT surgeon and endocrinologist that the odds are they would wake up, it’s rare if they don’t and not to worry. Unfortunately if they don’t wake up after 6 months, they most likely never will. Mine didn’t wake up. 😞
    So now I have a condition called hypoparathyroidism. It’s a rare condition that no one specializes in. Endocrinologists just tell you to take calcium and other vitamins. Not quite that simple. It’s a painful condition and a constant balancing act with taking calcium. Too much is bad, too little is bad and If you don’t take any calcium, you will die. I’ve been hospitalized because of having too low of calcium and had to get IV’s of it. When your calcium is low your muscles painfully cramp and you get tingles all over. You get so weak you can’t walk. This all happens quickly. Can’t leave home without calcium pills. Pretty awful. So awful that I forget I even have sjogrens. Now when I’m feeling sick, which happens frequently, I’m not sure if it’s my sjogrens flaring or this new rare condition. My depression is off the charts. My doctor gave me an antidepressant to help but I haven’t taken that yet for fear of side effects. I can’t handle much more.

    Have you seen an endocrinologist concerning your hair loss? I ask because being gluten intolerant, as I am too, can really affect how our bodies absorb vitamins and minerals. My hair fall out is just like yours, falls out, grows back, etc. But every time it grows back, it grows back thinner. I’m now 67 and my hair texture is pretty thin.
    My hair fall out was really bad last year leading up to my thyroidectomy. I couldn’t even hide my bald spots anymore. But since my thyroid was removed and I’m on Synthroid, my hormones are balanced and my hair is growing back nicely. The hair texture is still thin but I’m just so happy to even have hair so I’m not complaining.

    My sister had her thyroid checked recently because her hair was falling out like crazy. Her endocrinologist did extensive tests on her and found out that her thyroid was fine but she had actual celiac disease. She had no idea because she had no symptoms like I had. So for years she ate gluten not knowing the harm she was doing to her body. Harm that was causing her hair to fall out and her bones to become brittle because she was not absorbing enough vitamins, minerals and calcium causing her to also develop osteoporosis.

    My point is, even if your dr says your TSH numbers are fine, an endocrinologist does extensive testing and can maybe find some vitamin your lacking that is causing your hair loss.

    Sorry this was so long, I do tend to ramble on. ☺️

    Take Care!
    You’re not alone!
    Diane LeMire

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  4. You have made a difference for me! When I first got sick and found your videos it was truly a Godsend. You said the words that I felt and couldn’t relay. I have been wondering when you would write your blog again which shows you have been missed. I saw how hard you worked to still be present in your family’s life even while feeling terrible. You have skills that everyone can use and I wish you would do more videos on YouTube I really miss those. So yes you have made a difference and honestly one of the reasons I was drawn to your videos in the first place was your authenticity of what life was like with chronic illness. You always make me feel like I’m not crazy when I feel so bad or a Dr gaslights my conditions. I know living in this world is hard but yes this world is made better because you are in it!

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  5. This is what it feels like to have an invisible crippling disease that no one acknowledges. Like an empty ill shell with nothing to offer!

    Like

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