Trying to Live Life

It’s 8:23 PM on a Sunday. I’m sitting here eating one of my favorite “healthy” snacks which is apple slices dipped in caramel sauce with crumbled pecans. This has been one of my favorite desserts lately.

Last week was busy. Hockey game in the city on Monday, errands everyday in between, concert in the city Friday. Saturday was Friendsgiving and Sunday was a visit from my in-laws. During the week, I managed to take an hour to enjoy a beautiful nature trail just down the road from me. It’s a short trail so I took a chance, and was able to walk it. Oh how I love nature! While I completely enjoyed all of these activities I am very worn out at this point. I’ve been running on full throttle for a while now and I think it’s beginning to catch up to me. The last few days I’ve struggled with getting up in the morning and feeling horrible. I can feel myself getting weaker each day.

I know I’m due for a flare because it usually happens at this time of year when the weather starts getting colder. I also recently came off of prednisone which always messes with my body. It’s a delicate game I play. Live life and have fun, then pay the consequences of such activities. I don’t care anymore. I’ve wasted 10+ years of my life hiding in my home, stuck on the couch because I was too sick and too afraid of getting worse. 10 years!! My entire 30’s was wasted! I’m now almost 41 and I want to live life like a normal person. I know I’ll never be normal, but I can still try a little harder to do something… anything! I want my kids to have happy memories of doing things together as a family. I don’t want to just be the sick mom who wasted away at home while life went on around her. I hope my kids can understand one day how hard I am trying to be a fun, brave, adventurous person. Not just someone who gives up so easily.

This coming week will be relatively calm so I’ll use that time to recover. Hopefully its enough. I fear that the way I’m feeling will be my normal for the next few months. It usually happens this time of year. Cold is not my friend. I will try my hardest to continue to live life in some capacity.

I keep repeating to myself… “just keep going”.

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