I decided today to make a list of the things I like about everyone in my family. I made a nice long list for each of my kids and my husband. I listed all the things I love and find special about each of them. It made me smile to think of all the ways I love them. Then it was my turn. I had to think for a while. I only wrote down one thing. “I am caring”. That’s all I could come up with. At that moment, I could feel the heavy cloud of depression roll in.
The truth is I don’t think much of myself. Actually, anytime I think of myself as a person, I am very unhappy and dissatisfied in general. I don’t like myself. In fact, I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I have for many years. I don’t have any real qualities or talents. Anything I once had going for me have been destroyed by my illness. Those were determination, motivation, physical fitness, energy, etc. Twenty years ago, I would have been described as strong, determined, fun and energetic. Not anymore. Whenever I try to think of positive things to say about myself, I always feel terrible because there is nothing. Other than trying to be a loving mother, I have nothing to offer the world. I’m not even nice to look at anymore.
I’m not funny, creative, talented, reliable, energetic, disciplined, accomplished. I’m not charming, inspiring, educated, sunny, or bursting with positivity. I have nothing to offer anyone, which is probably a big part of why I struggle socially. I don’t have good qualities as a person; nothing to offer the world. I like to think I’m nice and kind, but after a bit of self reflection, I realize that is not true. As mentioned in prior blogs, I realized that I am wasn’t a good person. It wasn’t intentional. It just kind of happened without me even realizing. Only after deep self reflection did I realize these things.
I’ve been working on improving myself, but I can’t exactly create talent that doesn’t exist. As hard as I try to be a good and likable person, I still do wrong. I still make mistakes and fall into old habits. Some of the things I’ve been continuously working on are things like being kinder and more patient, complaining less, being more friendly overall, less judgmental, more understanding, being more positive and happier in general. I’m working hard on being a good, patient listener. I’m consciously trying to fund the good in everything. I’m trying to find more happiness within myself so I can be a sunnier person. I don’t know if any of this has actually been successful, but I sure am trying.
This may seem like I am having a pity party and looking for sympathy, but that’s not entirely true. While I do occasionally have pity parties for myself, I’m definitely not looking for pity from others. I try feel bad about myself privately. I know that the only way to overcome dissatisfaction is to make changes. I am trying very hard. I hope it’s working. Although, reviews of myself like I did today yield a big fat nothing.
Will I ever learn to love and accept myself? I hope so, but I just don’t see it happening. As hard as I try to change and be kinder to myself, it just doesn’t happen. I read a lot of motivational sayings and things like “I love myself”, and “I am happy with who I am”, but I can’t say the words. I DON’T love myself. I hate myself. I always have. I will keep trying though…
I truly hope one day this will change.