Surviving As Mom

I’ve always considered myself to be a reasonably smart, logical, well-balanced, normal kind of person. Everything made sense in my world and I was like most other people in the world (so I thought). Now I question my entire existence. All of those things that made me ME, I now realize are not normal. I am not like everyone else. I am odd.

Now that I’ve learned that I think differently from everyone else, I am painfully aware of HOW different I am. It is quite unsettling actually. Even embarrassing that I am so different, yet so oblivious the whole time. Finding out that you are not at all who you think you are is something that shakes you to the core. Now I pay attention to EVERYthing about my self. I monitor and analyze every thought, word, mannerism, tone of my voice, facial expressions… everything. What I used to trust as just “me”, is now wrong on so many levels. The way I think and see the world is very different from most people around me. I now know that my thoughts, ideas and opinions are considered very odd to others. I’ve lost all confidence in my opinions and ideas, also my skills and intelligence. Now I notice when I laugh a little too hard at something and get strange looks in response. Or people’s facial expressions when I start talking about something I’m passionate about. I feel like people look at me like I’m crazy. Maybe it’s always been this way, but in the past I learned to not notice it. Now I definitely notice it!

I’ve also been looking inward a lot. I wonder about the random thoughts and ideas I have from minute to minute. The internal monologue and thoughts. The constant self criticism and put downs I’ve struggled with for so long. Is this what other people experience or is this me just being odd again? I’m always in my head. It is very loud and chaotic most times. I enjoy when it is peaceful and calm.

I find that I think almost like a child at times, but its a happy place to be. I look at things and wonder how they work, where they come from, what they are made of. I look for and study patterns and behaviors. I love to look at nature in detail. I’ll happily stare of flowers, noticing every detail of the petals, stems and leaves. I love to watch bees bounce from flower to flower looking for nectar while gather pollen dust on their fuzzy hind legs. I enjoy the sound of the buzz and the leaves blowing in the summer breeze. I adore looking up at the sky! During the day I watch the clouds dance across the sky and find shapes in the clouds. At night I love the moon, stars and planets!! I love to ponder the vastness of space and imagine about the different planets and galaxies. I could never understand why other people don’t do the same and why I’m so strange for doing so. I like to think the way I do, but I’m learning that it is considered not normal. I’m so confused by all of this.

I also think and work in extreme polarities. This means everything is all or nothing. There is no in between. I either like or dislike. Something is either good or bad. It can’t be both or somewhere in the middle. Even the way I operate… When I do things, its all in or not at all. I either exercise hard or not at all. I either eat the same thing everyday for a week or want nothing to do with it at all. It has always been this way for me. I can go on and on about all the the ways I am considered weird, but I don’t have the attention span for all that.

Once you add my physical problems to my neurodivergent mind, it becomes so much more complicated. My mind is not nearly as sharp as it used to be in a number of ways. I am easily distracted, confused, forgetful, scattered. My ADHD has gotten way out of control so my thoughts are all over the place and very disorganized. My memory is absolute shit now. I used to consider myself fairly smart and based all of my confidence on my intelligence. Thant makes this such a hard one for me to accept. I feel downright stupid most of the time and I’m embarrassed to be seen as such. I forget whole conversations I’ve had with people. I have no memory of certain events. I often don’t recognize people that I should know. I struggle to recall information that I definitely know. I am SOO disorganized. I have to-do lists and reminders everywhere, yet I still forget to do things or I get too overwhelmed by the tasks and just shut down completely. My phone has about 10 alarms throughout each day for simple tasks because I forget altogether or easily lose track of time. I forget SOO much! Its frightening how forgetful I am. I fear how much worse this is going to get.

My husband tries his best to support me, but I can see how he looks at me during my stupidest moments sometimes and its painful. I’ve seen that look from others when I was younger and I know what it means. I don’t like it. I worry that one day he will have to take care of my fully because I cannot. I don’t want to do that to him. I try my best not to look too far ahead because the future is so uncertain. I fear my condition will deteriorate to the point of complete disability. I realize this will likely happen if I live long enough, but I fear it will be sooner than that. I often joke that I identify as a 75 year old woman, rather than my actual 41 year old self. Between my physical and cognitive issues, 75 feels more accurate.

I’ve spent my whole life masking without even realizing it. I’ve had to create a character that is acceptable to those around me while hiding my own true self. This has led me to lose my true self over time. I’ve tried so hard to be someone that others can accept, but now I’ve lost track of who I really am. I’m often conflicted with which self I should be at any given point. I’ve been trying lately to be more of the true me than the fake persona I’ve created. Its so complicated.

Ultimately, I will have to come to terms with my reality and accept what is. I have to accept that I am not like everyone else. I have to accept that I operate on a different level than others. It should be ok, but I’m not ok with it yet.