Yesterday I was sitting on my lounger next to the pool watching my 6 year old son and my 5 year old nephew swim together…
I’m amused by their imagination as they make up random scenarios to act out together. It is early September and the weather is very mild. It is a comfortable 77 degrees on a clear sunny day. The sky is completely blue, not a cloud in sight. There is a refreshing breeze that carries the sweet scent of flowers and ocean air from the nearby bay. The sounds of the pool waterfall and planes flying above combine with my music make for a calm setting. Sitting here in nature like this gives me time to reflect.
I reflect about things I’m thankful for such as my home, my children, my health which has been good almost all summer, and just the chance to live a pretty comfortable life. It wasn’t always like this. There were many years of struggle and hardship to get to this point. My husband and I both worked very hard our whole lives and this is our payoff. I’m not ashamed to admit that this is a nice place to be. I am happy. Life is good.
Today is different…
Today I think about how alone I am and how painful it is. I think of people who continue to hurt me, even if it is only unintentional. I think of the regrets I have for lost experiences and wrong choices I’ve made in my life. I think of how I’ve hated everything about myself my whole life, only to realize that most of those issues had to do with how others treated me and led me to believe about myself. I can say that my eyes are open now and I’m slowly learning to accept and almost like myself at times. I’ve subjected myself to toxic relationships just for the sake of having certain people in my life. I remember this same pattern of behavior from when I was a teenager. I surrounded myself with people who really had no care, interest, or respect for me. These people were my whole world, but to them I was the stupid, silly girl who followed them around and inserted myself into their life. They didn’t really care for me. I didn’t have any kind of support or safety from anyone. There was no parenting. At one point I didn’t even have a home. I was a nomad who never really belonged anywhere. I was totally alone with an illusion that I mattered to some people and that their opinion and treatment of me was correct and normal. I was and am so desperate for true friendship and love that I’d willingly accept sub-par treatment. I see now what has been in front of my eyes all this time and I’m done with it.
My head is a mess right now. I have a heaviness in my heart and its hard to focus on anything else right now. Loneliness is so so painful and its always there. Sure I have siblings and friends, but they are mostly unavailable for what I need. I crave that one person (or a few) who really gets me. I need someone who will listen to my feelings without making it about them somehow or judging me. I need someone who will just listen without interrupting every sentence I try to get out. I need someone who truly loves me and cares for me. I need someone to accept me for who I am and maybe even truly love to be around me. I need someone I can trust with all my heart. I need someone that I can’t wait to call with good or bad news because I know they will be happy or sad with me. Of course I have my husband, but its not the same. I feel invisible, like I’m drowning and screaming for help but everyone just ignores me as I slowly disappear under the surface. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable by wanting these things. I am only human and humans need love and support to thrive.
I realize I may not have been the most pleasant person to be around in the past. Life made me bitter. I’ve changed myself. I’ve made a solid effort to be a better person in hopes that maybe I’d attract more people into my life. It has helped a bit, but only for casual friends. I’m still searching for those few special people (or one) I can really connect with and trust.
Maybe I’m being dramatic or some may say I’m “seeking attention”. Maybe I am. But I’m only seeking the same caring and love that most other people already have in their life. It’s so simple, yet so hard. I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I guess I just need to get it out because its so loud in my head. Maybe by writing this blog and purging all of these thoughts I can start to feel better. It’s a process. I’m working on it. Always a work in progress, no matter how slow.