Surviving As Mom

I read a lot of motivational quotes and sayings about general positivity, mindfulness, etc. One thing that I often see is about the importance of having a loving and supportive circle of friends. How having friends can help me to live a longer, healthier, more fulfilled life. I hear people discuss how they’d be lost without their best friend. Their best friend who takes care of them when they need them the most. In other words, how having real friends is critical for our survival. However, this is the one thing that is really missing from my life.

I’ve spent the last few years of my life trying my hardest to make friends. I try to make myself available to meet people, I’m friendlier in general, and I say yes to invitations. I am more positive and happier in general because I know people are attracted to light. I’ve seen that this does help. I have many acquaintances now that I’m happy to have in my life. What I don’t have is that one close friend. A friend that I really connect with, someone who truly gets me. I don’t have that one person who I call with great news or who is a shoulder to cry on. I don’t have a friend who I love with all my heart, as much as they love me. I’ve always had trouble socially. I’ve always struggled with making friends and I always feel awkward around people. Not that I’m not confident. More like most people are too weird, boring or annoying. I can’t connect easily with people.

I am so lonely! My heart physically aches from the utter loneliness. I crave the feeling of having a true friend. I have my husband, 4 kids, siblings, and Mother, but I don’t feel safe enough with any of them. I don’t feel comfortable enough to share my deepest thoughts and feelings. I don’t feel unconditional love and support from them. No that they don’t give it. It’s just not quite what I need. I realize it may have nothing to do with them at all. I have trust issues. I pretty much do not trust any one person I know 100%. I don’t trust most people at all. I’ve been burned too many times. I am scarred.

Being so lonely feels like I’m screaming for help inside my head, but there’s no one to see or hear me. I’m drowning and no one cares. I’m invisible.

I very much enjoy being alone. I often like to just hear my own thoughts without being interrupted by nonsense. I need this quiet time to collect my thoughts and decompress. I need time to recharge my social battery. But there are times when I just really need someone. Sometimes I need to purge what’s on my mind, or I need someone to give me a hug, or make me laugh. I know that this is all my own doing. I know that only I can change this. Believe me, I’ve tried! But I’m tired of trying so hard. I’m burned out. I’ve realized that I’m just not capable. My mind and soul have a disconnect about this. My soul says “you need people” and my mind says “No one cares about you. They all want to hurt you”.

Maybe I’ve just been looking in the wrong places. I haven’t found anyone like me. I am a thinker. I like science, and music, and nature. I like deep conversations about life and the universe. I haven’t met anyone yet who thinks like me. Everyone else is into different things, which is cool. However, most of those things don’t interest me. Still I try to push through and pretend. In the end I’m left burned out and unfulfilled.

I think I should just accept that this is how I am. I am not a people person. I still desperately want a true friend. I just can’t figure out what to do about it. Whatever. It is what it is.

I’m over it. Time to move on.