Surviving As Mom

I’ve been feeling strong. I’m feeling good! I feel amazing! I’m trying not to get too attached, but I truly enjoy each day of feeling good. I’m exercising, learning, having fun, being active, …acting normal. I’m even walking more than I have in years! I have a theory for my surprising strength and overall wellbeing. I’ve been taking Meloxicam for about 3 months now and I can only assume it is contributing to my overall good feeling. It is an NSAID (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory) so maybe its doing just enough to keep my immune system under control. Whatever it is, I’ll take it!! I’ve also been taking good quality probiotics. This is on top of eating healthy, exercise, as well as a healthy mindset overall. I love feeling this good!

It’s like I’m in a dream. I wake up in the morning feeling pretty good and ready to tackle the day. I’m strong, energetic, and motivated. It is a strange feeling. I’m so used to having low expectations, giving myself frequent breaks (which I still do some days) and limiting my activity in general, but I haven’t had to. I almost feel like a normal person. It feels fake. I feel like an imposter. Am I a disabled, chronically ill person or am I a normal, functioning human being. It’s like I’m stuck in limbo. I can’t make any long term plans or goals. I can’t get a job, or go back to school, or do anything that requires a long term commitment because it can all just come crashing down at anytime. I WANT to do these things and I get excited to dream about maybe doing something one day, but then I have to remind myself that I am not capable of anything long term. I still hesitate to make any plans in general. I get excited for a plan, then I have to pull back my excitement and remember who I really am. It’s a very confusing way to exist.

I’m trying to figure out how to get the most out of my life while still being cautious and realistic. It’s strange to have no real goals. Goals are what keep us motivated. I get motivated to do something, then I’m crushed when I can’t follow through and I feel empty again. How does one live a life with no goals to look forward to and work for. It leaves me just floating through each day, simply existing. This isn’t always terrible, but it is a very strange thing. Kind of like I’m a lost soul trying to find my way. I’m trying to find a balance.

Right now I am strong! I am happy. I am (sort of) healthy. I will enjoy today.