Feeling Restless

*This was written a few weeks ago. I’m finally publishing it now.

I feel restless. My mind craves something, but I can’t pinpoint it. It’s like my brain is starving for stimulus. I want to do lots of things but I can’t quite figure out what. I’m trying some new things hoping it’ll satisfy my hunger, but no luck yet. It’s been a good summer so far. We’ve managed to keep fairly busy, though that’s winding down a bit now. I’ve been feeling good. Almost like a normal person. Such an amazing and freeing feeling. Trying to squeeze in as much as I possible can before its over. We’ve hosted new and old friends a few times, went on family outings, had dinner and dessert at local shops, and even played a family game of wiffle ball in our yard. It’s been amazing.

Braeden and Ethan have both started drum lessons and I started singing lessons. This is something I’ve put off for myself my entire life until now. Singing and music in general has always been so important to me. Unfortunately, I was not blessed with a beautiful singing voice unlike my entire family of singers. I was always too embarrassed, too poor, too busy to learn. I don’t want to wait anymore. Regret is too powerful. I’ve wasted enough precious time. I’ve only had one lesson so far and I’m feeling discouraged, but I’m not ready to give up. I’ve decided to also relearn the piano. It kills me that I can’t make beautiful music flow through my fingertips, so I’m doing something about it. I’ve been practicing on my own for most of the day as my schedule allows and I’ve arranged for a teacher to come give me private lessons when the kids go back to school. I will learn to play guitar the same way. One instrument at a time though so I don’t get overwhelmed. I tend to shut down when there’s too much. In the end, I hope to play the piano, violin, guitar, cello, and master singing. I love string instruments. They take me to a calm place.

I’ve been exercising. I’m very proud of myself for this. Being sick makes this super challenging but I feel strong right now so I will push as hard as I can. I want to be healthy! I want to be strong! I want to look and feel good. I’ve been so unhappy with my weight and the loss of muscle mass. It makes me look frail and sick. I don’t want to be pitied. I don’t want to look weak and pathetic. It’s bad enough I am visibly disabled when I’m out and about. I need to feel confident again. I’ve been doing a lot of stretching and light weights. I’ve been at it almost daily since the end of June and I’m happy with my progress so far. This may seem like nothing to celebrate, but it really is! I desperately want to exercise and be strong and fit. When I can’t because my body won’t cooperate, its absolutely maddening! As a former athlete, this is torture. I want so badly to do things that I am too weak for. I miss playing basketball, riding my bike, walking long distances, and just being strong in general. I grew up in Brooklyn, NY and worked in NYC for years. I walked many miles every day. I miss this freedom. Oh how I took it for granted. Such freedom.

I’m taking it day by day. If I wake up feeling strong, I do things. If I wake up feeling weak, I rest. Tomorrow is always a mystery. Maybe its better to live this way. It forces me to truly enjoy each good day and make peace with the bad days.

Photo by Ben Mack on Pexels.com

Published by Meredith Gallie

My name is Meredith. I’m a mother of 4 boys living in NY on Long Island. I suffer from a chronic illness called Sjogren’s Syndrome. It is a debilitating autoimmune disease which has wreaked havoc on my body, causing me to become disabled and mostly housebound. Each day for me is about survival and caring for my children. My older boys are twins, one of which has autism. These are challenges that I must try to overcome each day, but I am thankful for my family. I’m thankful to have a loving husband who is able to help and provide a comfortable life for us. We are thankful for his hard work and dedication. I’m not a writer by any means, but I wanted to make this blog as an outlet for all the noise in my head, as well as something to focus on to keep my brain from melting into a pile of mush. I also hope my thoughts and experiences will help others out there with similar struggles. Some of my posts will be like a public diary, some will be advice and inspiration. Some posts will be dark and sad, some will be uplifting and inspiring. I’m just going to write according to whatever mood I’m feeling at the time. It’s a bumpy ride, but hopefully you find it helpful or entertaining. Enjoy!

2 thoughts on “Feeling Restless

  1. Hello Meredith,

    So happy your craving to do the things you’ve missed out on, that’s great but I also understand its scary for you.

    Just do one thing at a time until you feel you can cope with another.

    Take care and keep going strong!

    Best wishes
    Irene Stephen x

    Like

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