Surviving As Mom

*This was written a few weeks ago. I’m finally publishing it now.

I feel restless. My mind craves something, but I can’t pinpoint it. It’s like my brain is starving for stimulus. I want to do lots of things but I can’t quite figure out what. I’m trying some new things hoping it’ll satisfy my hunger, but no luck yet. It’s been a good summer so far. We’ve managed to keep fairly busy, though that’s winding down a bit now. I’ve been feeling good. Almost like a normal person. Such an amazing and freeing feeling. Trying to squeeze in as much as I possibly can before its over. We’ve hosted new and old friends a few times, went on family outings, had dinner and dessert at local shops, and even played a family game of wiffle ball in our yard. It’s been amazing.

Braeden and Ethan have both started drum lessons and I started singing lessons. This is something I’ve put off for myself my entire life until now. Singing and music in general has always been so important to me. Unfortunately, I was not blessed with a beautiful singing voice unlike my entire family of singers. I was always too embarrassed, too poor, too busy to learn. I don’t want to wait anymore. Regret is too powerful. I’ve wasted enough precious time. I’ve only had one lesson so far and I’m feeling discouraged, but I’m not ready to give up. I’ve decided to also relearn the piano. It kills me that I can’t make beautiful music flow through my fingertips, so I’m doing something about it. I’ve been practicing on my own for most of the day as my schedule allows and I’ve arranged for a teacher to come give me private lessons when the kids go back to school. I will learn to play guitar the same way. One instrument at a time though so I don’t get overwhelmed. I tend to shut down when there’s too much. In the end, I hope to play the piano, violin, guitar, cello, and master singing. I love string instruments. They take me to a calm place.

I’ve been exercising. I’m very proud of myself for this. Being sick makes this super challenging but I feel strong right now so I will push as hard as I can. I want to be healthy! I want to be strong! I want to look and feel good. I’ve been so unhappy with my weight and the loss of muscle mass. It makes me look frail and sick. I don’t want to be pitied. I don’t want to look weak and pathetic. It’s bad enough I am visibly disabled when I’m out and about. I need to feel confident again. I’ve been doing a lot of stretching and light weights. I’ve been at it almost daily since the end of June and I’m happy with my progress so far. This may seem like nothing to celebrate, but it really is! I desperately want to exercise and be strong and fit. When I can’t because my body won’t cooperate, its absolutely maddening! As a former athlete, this is torture. I want so badly to do things that I am too weak for. I miss playing basketball, riding my bike, walking long distances, and just being strong in general. I grew up in Brooklyn, NY and worked in NYC for years. I walked many miles every day. I miss this freedom. Oh how I took it for granted. Such freedom.

I’m taking it day by day. If I wake up feeling strong, I do things. If I wake up feeling weak, I rest. Tomorrow is always a mystery. Maybe its better to live this way. It forces me to truly enjoy each good day and make peace with the bad days.