Surviving As Mom

*I wrote this a few weeks ago. I’m finally posting it now.

Yesterday I got the crazy idea in my head that I should go back to college to pursue a degree in psychology. I’ve always been into the sciences, and human psychology is definitely interesting to me. I was thinking of studying independently at first just for my own entertainment, but what better way to learn about it than to prepare for a career in the field.

The more I think about it, the more excited I get. I like the idea of looking forward to accomplishing a new goal and achieving something to be proud of. I definitely have lost a part of myself when I lost my ability to work and earn money.

And then as I thought about it more realistically it occurred to me that I cannot do something like this because of my physical health. I couldn’t handle going to a college campus for the next 3 to 5 years. I can’t consistently do anything like this, which is partially why I’m not working. I couldn’t possibly handle a daily schedule that lasts 6-8 hours. Even part time would be too much for me.

I considered online schooling but it doesn’t seem like it would be interesting enough because it is mostly independent reading. I like to read but I also enjoy being lectured by seasoned professionals. I need the interaction and back and forth discussion. The simple fact is I’m just not disciplined enough for independent study to this level.

Then even if I did manage to complete a degree it’s not like I could actually use it to work. I am disabled and unable to function for more than a few hours at a time and that’s when I’m actually feeling pretty good. Don’t even get me started on my mental inadequacies. My mind is nowhere near as sharp as it once was. I don’t think I could possibly handle the load of information and then to later recall it correctly. Forget about writing papers. I’m too scattered and disorganized for all that again. Also, having 4 children while studying is very different from what I handled in the past.

When I completed my degree in Mortuary Sciences, I worked 40 hours a week, then went to school after work till about midnight. I did that for 5 years. In the 3rd year I was pregnant with Logan & Lucas while keeping this crazy schedule. After they were born, I went back to school, but not work. It was hard, but I did it. I was also in my late 20’s. Now I’m almost 42. It’s just not gonna work.

I feel crushed. Oh well. It was a nice dream for a minute.