I changed my clothes today after about a week. I’m still wearing sweats and no bra, but I feel like I look a little cuter; a little more stylish. Maybe I don’t, but I feel like I do so I’ll just go with it. I really do get tired of always looking like a slob. I truly miss the days of getting dressed up and looking put together. I’m feeling some pain today after an active day yesterday. My bones ache and my digestive system hates me lately so my entire midsection is screaming at me. The pain travels up into my back and shoulders. I feel like I swallowed a bucket of rocks followed by a tall glass of lava. I’m still working on gaining weight, so I have to force myself to continue to eat even though it hurts. I often wish I didn’t have to eat anymore. The only time my insides don’t hurt is when I’m completely empty from starvation and a complete emptying of my intestines. It’s a no-win situation.
Besides that, I don’t feel too bad yet today. I will still play it cautious though and not push myself too hard. I know that at any moment I may suddenly feel sick or exhausted. I know that after all the activity from yesterday’s snow day, I will probably pay the price today. I still have things to do like laundry, dishes, dinner, and the chaos of after school. I’ll just not try to do much more than that unless I start to feel spectacular at any point today. It’s a constant battle between trying to not do too much while trying to still be somewhat productive. For now, I’m just gonna lay on the couch and rest for a bit until my to-do list gets too loud in my head. I’ve been trying to entertain myself in the laziest ways by writing this blog and reading. I try to read whenever I can. I like to feed my brain with knowledge and motivation. I’m currently reading a book called “Surviving and Thriving with an invisible chronic illness”. This is typical reading for me. I also enjoy various science books. It keeps my brain sharp-ish. Lol. I’ve been working really hard on keeping myself from sinking into deep depression. Most days I can do it, but not always. Bad days happen. It’s ok.
I’m feeling hungry at the moment, but afraid to eat. I’m trying to figure out which is worse, hunger or stomach pains. This is a very common debate I have with myself. Eventually I end up eating something, then regretting it. I should be used to it by now after all these years. The severity comes in waves. Some days I can eat all day long without consequence. Other days a sip of water is equivalent to a punch in the gut. If I starve, I feel weak, nauseous, get a headache, dizzy, disoriented. If I eat, I get stomach pains, nausea, bloating, gas pains, and frequent bathroom trips. Which is the lesser of two evils? It’s hard to decide.
The kids are at school right now. It’s one of 2 days a week of being kid free for 7 hours. I enjoy the peace. It’s quiet, calm, still, and clean, but also lonely, empty, and scary. I’m relieved that I get a break from serving and catering to 4 little boys. I can just sit and do whatever I want, or nothing at all for hours without interruption. I can REST! I’m also sad because I feel guilty for enjoying my break so much. I miss my boys. I miss their giggles, their little voices, and their snuggles. It’s lonely and I miss their company. I know time moves fast and I know that one day they will be grown and I won’t have these precious moments together anymore. Yet as I’m writing these things, I notice the time. It’s 1:26pm. I have 2.5 hours left before they come home. I dread the after school rush. Coats, shoes, and backpacks thrown in every direction. Then there’s the onslaught of questions, requests and demands for food. Then homework, mess, noise, and chaos… It’s all so overwhelming. It drains the life out of me. I feel guilty for not being able to keep up with them. My poor children deserve better.
I got tired suddenly after writing so I took a nap. I slept about 2 hours until my alarm rang for the school bus. I woke up dazed and confused, but a little less tired. While waiting outside, I shoveled snow off of my front steps. It wasn’t much, but it was nice to accomplish something. Besides that, the only thing I actually accomplished today was writing this blog. I had plans to do laundry and maybe unpack a box, but that didn’t happen. I didn’t even plan dinner because I thought today was Monday rather than Friday. On Mondays, Eddie takes the 3 older boys to hockey until 8:30pm so I only have to worry about feeding Ethan (5 years old) and myself. With today being Friday, Eddie only took Braeden (8). Now I have to figure out something to feed everyone else. I’ll have to find something from the freezer or pantry for them.
Hopefully tomorrow is more productive. We shall see.