Surviving As Mom

You read that right. Today I put on a bra to… wait for it.. Leave the house! That’s right. I actually went out today, and for more than just a quick 15 min store run. I put on real clothes, including a bra and jeans. I even put on makeup and jewelry. What was the special occasion you may ask? We went as a family all the way to Brooklyn, 55 miles away to visit my Father-in-Law. We try to go monthly to visit, but we missed the last few months so we were overdue. We stayed about 3 hours. It was a very nice visit.

Leading up to the outing was tough. I woke up today like I usually do. Achy, nauseous, stomach pains, body aches, dazed and confused. I did get to sleep in till 9am though. I very much appreciate lazy mornings. I got up, changed out of my pjs into my house clothes, made breakfast, and relaxed for a few hours with Ethan. Eddie had the 3 older boys at hockey since 6am and didn’t get home till 11:30am. I spent those hours anxious and nervous about my visit later in the day. I get major anxiety anytime I have to leave the house, especially when it is such a long trip. The car ride alone drains the life out of me. Today’s trip was about 1 hour, 15 mins each direction.

I’m all about comfort. I’ve learned how to be comfortable at home. I have complete control over my environment and schedule. If I’m tired or feeling sick, weak or in pain, I lay down. If I’m cold or hot, I change the temp or use a blanket. If I’m hungry, I eat. If my digestive system wants to be an asshole, I can just go to the bathroom. All of this isn’t so easy when I’m not home. At this point, I dread leaving the house altogether. The longer the duration, the more anxious I get about it. I know I’m going to be uncomfortable in some way. I know I’m going to get tired but I won’t be able to just cut and run when I’ve had enough. I’d have to just tough it out until the end. I’d then have to make sure I have the strength to get back home, with kids in tow. I know that these outings will destroy me for the rest of the day and possibly days after, but it is necessary sometimes. Today was one of those times.

I seem to be becoming a bit of a hermit. I don’t like to leave my house. I’m perfectly content to stay home in my safe bubble everyday. Most times leaving is just too uncomfortable or even impossible if I’m feeling bad enough. And it’s not worth the aftermath that comes with it. I pay dearly for days after I do anything fun or exciting. There are times I don’t leave the house for weeks or over a month at a time. Although, I do get the urge to do stuff at times. I yearn to go out and do normal things like other people. I just can’t. When I feel good, I love to go out. I love to go shopping, sit in a park, or even visit with people. Sadly, this is extremely rare. I spend more time feeling sick and disabled than feeling good and “normal”. Which means I just don’t go out. I spend 99% of my life at home. The only times I do leave during these times is for doctor appointments or a very rare store run. These trips are kept under 2 hours. I can’t handle more than that.

I even have major anxiety about having people over. I like some people and I enjoy their company, but I have major social anxiety and I can’t handle too much of it. I often get excited to ask a friend over for tea or coffee, but always talk myself out of it before I’ve even reached out to them. I convince myself that I’m not interesting enough to entertain someone. I’m boring or have nothing to say. Why would they want to spend their precious time with me? What do I have to offer them? Then I worry that I’m not going to feel well enough to entertain. Or I’ll worry that they’ll stay longer than I can handle. Or their kids will leave a mess that I won’t have the energy to clean. Or if I do get the nerve to actually invite someone, and they turn me down because of other plans. This crushes me because it takes so much for me to actually reach out to someone. To be shot down is just too much for me. I know its crazy, but its how I feel.

Back to today… We had a nice visit. I felt sick, weak, in pain, nervous, and anxious, but I pushed through it. Now I’m happy to be home, back in my comfy clothes. I’m happy to be back in my comfort zone.