Surviving As Mom

At 42 years old I’ve finally figured out who I really am. I figured out what truly brings me joy, peace, happiness. I now know who I truly am inside, and I am always learning and evolving. Actually, I’ve been working on it for a few years, but I’m at a pretty good point in my self discovery. I know who I am, regardless of my flaws. I know what I like and don’t like. I know what fills my soul. I also know when and how to say “no”. I don’t care what people think or say about me. I know my boundaries and limits and it’s a beautiful place to be. I am who I am and if you don’t like me, then that’s your loss. I’m quite proud of myself for getting to this point. I’ve always struggled with internal feelings of low value, poor self esteem, self loathing, and just generally being happy and content. 

It has taken me my entire life so far to learn to forgive myself and accept who I am. First I had to learn who I was. When I was was a teenager, I faced some challenges that forced me to focus solely on survival, rather than thriving and growing as a person. Then I got married and learned to be a wife. Then I became a mother and my identity changed again. Through all of this I lost who I was. I stopped being true to myself because I believed that who I was inside was wrong. The things that brought me joy were considered to be wrong or silly as an adult, wife, and mother, so I suppressed everything that made me Me and I became a fake version of myself. I became the version of me that society accepted and expected. I believe that many of us go through this in our life and that’s why so many people are lost and unhappy. 

The consequence of this was I became empty inside and generally a bitter person. I tried playing these roles that weren’t me and it crushed my soul. Over the years I became unhappy, bitter, mean, depressed, and just lost. 

At this point, I went on a mission to figure out how to find myself again and spent a few years deep in research about how to fix myself. I’ve read so many books, articles, and blogs. I watched videos and documentaries. I attended meditation and yoga classes, and women’s circles. I learned so much during this time and it really helped me on my road to being happy again. Some things I revisited and fell in love with again. Other things I discovered for the first time. This caused me to change how I live my life, how I see the world, and how I see myself. One of the most important things I had to learn was that happiness is a choice. I also had to learn that I must find something to be grateful for each day. Even on my worst days, I can always find some beauty somewhere that brings me peace. 

Now each day I make a point to NOTICE all the little things around me that bring me joy. Also referred to as Mindfulness. This can be as simple as watching birds on my feeder or birdbath. I love flower gardens and all the life they bring, like bees, butterflies, caterpillars, etc. I love to take the time to sit and watch nature doing its thing. I love to look up at the sky. Clouds during the day and stars at night. I love to sit by the water’s edge or on a trail surrounded by trees and nature and just enjoy the sounds, sights, smells, and the general atmosphere. I love spending quality time with my children and husband, even if all I can do is just snuggle on the couch with them. 

One of the things I really enjoy is music. I love listening to it and learning to play it. I almost always have music playing in the background instead of just silence. I love all kinds of music including rock, alternative, soft sounds, classical, opera, etc. I’ve been working on learning to play instruments as well. I’ve been learning the guitar, ukulele, drums, violin, and piano. I’ve made enough progress that I can play a little of each, but I still have a long way to go. Music is super important to me and soothes my soul. I’m one of those people who feels music deeply. I get goosebumps and even tear up just by how beautiful something sounds.

I often refer to myself as a “Hippie” because I am all about peace and love. I love nature, herbs, flowers, bees, butterflies, etc. I use herbal remedies, and am fascinated by what nature provides for us in terms of healing. I feel generally at peace when I am in nature. It is my happy place.

I am newly spriritual, but not in a religious sense. It’s more through meditation, mindfulness, energy, and nature. I’ve always considered myself to be an Atheist, but I’m starting to think there may be SOMETHING going on. Not necessarily God as a being, heaven, & hell, but more like energy and vibrations. It is a very interesting topic and I love learning about all the new scientific developments that prove a lot of these theories to be true. It’s all so fascinating!! I’m still learning. 

I love learning! I’ve learned so many things and I just can’t get enough. My brain craves knowledge and I love to read, watch documentaries, and experiment in my own life. When I’m not learning, I feel anxious, bored, and agitated. Learning is so stimulating for me, especially if it is topics that I enjoy, like science, music, health, gardening, etc.

A somewhat old, but recent thing about myself that I gave up on because of my poor health was my physical activity. As a teen, I was very active. I was athletic and always on the move. I loved challenging myself physically especially when competing with boys/men. Now that I am finding my health again, I remembered how much I love to move my body and be adventurous! I’ve been exploring these things again and I am excited to see what kind of stuff I can do. 

With that, I have had to work hard at regaining my strength back after over a decade of being almost completely sedentary. I started with very gentle exercise and I am at a point where I can increase my intensity a bit and still feel good. I started with yoga and a lot of stretching, then added weights and lots of walking and biking. I can feel such a difference already. I love feeling healthy and strong and I will continue to work towards this as long as my body allows.

I know this all makes me sound like a crazy person. I promise I am not! Or maybe I am a little. Who knows? I think everyone who breaks free of traditional thinking and societal rules is considered a little crazy. You kind of have to be in order to see things through a different lens and break free to live a more meaningful life. It helps me to see the nonsense that exists with our leaders, and I can refocus on the more beautiful things that exist in life. *I don’t do politics btw!*

I will go into all of these things in detail in future blogs, but I wanted to highlight the important points. I wanted to give you a better idea of who I am. This is also kind of a journal for me to document my own progress.

I am a work in progress and I will continue to work hard to be happy and fulfilled. I hope my children can look to me for inspiration and empowerment for their own journeys. I hope to leave a positive mark on the world and I think I am headed in the right direction.

Thank you for reading.