Consumed by Self Loathing

I decided today to make a list of the things I like about everyone in my family. I made a nice long list for each of my kids and my husband. I listed all the things I love and find special about each of them. It made me smile to think of all the ways I love them. Then it was my turn. I had to think for a while. I only wrote down one thing. “I am caring”. That’s all I could come up with. At that moment, I could feel the heavy cloud of depression roll in.

The truth is I don’t think much of myself. Actually, anytime I think of myself as a person, I am very unhappy and dissatisfied in general. I don’t like myself. In fact, I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I have for many years. I don’t have any real qualities or talents. Anything I once had going for me have been destroyed by my illness. Those were determination, motivation, physical fitness, energy, etc. Twenty years ago, I would have been described as strong, determined, fun and energetic. Not anymore. Whenever I try to think of positive things to say about myself, I always feel terrible because there is nothing. Other than trying to be a loving mother, I have nothing to offer the world. I’m not even nice to look at anymore.

I’m not funny, creative, talented, reliable, energetic, disciplined, accomplished. I’m not charming, inspiring, educated, sunny, or bursting with positivity. I have nothing to offer anyone, which is probably a big part of why I struggle socially. I don’t have good qualities as a person; nothing to offer the world. I like to think I’m nice and kind, but after a bit of self reflection, I realize that is not true. As mentioned in prior blogs, I realized that I am wasn’t a good person. It wasn’t intentional. It just kind of happened without me even realizing. Only after deep self reflection did I realize these things.

I’ve been working on improving myself, but I can’t exactly create talent that doesn’t exist. As hard as I try to be a good and likable person, I still do wrong. I still make mistakes and fall into old habits. Some of the things I’ve been continuously working on are things like being kinder and more patient, complaining less, being more friendly overall, less judgmental, more understanding, being more positive and happier in general. I’m working hard on being a good, patient listener. I’m consciously trying to fund the good in everything. I’m trying to find more happiness within myself so I can be a sunnier person. I don’t know if any of this has actually been successful, but I sure am trying.

This may seem like I am having a pity party and looking for sympathy, but that’s not entirely true. While I do occasionally have pity parties for myself, I’m definitely not looking for pity from others. I try feel bad about myself privately. I know that the only way to overcome dissatisfaction is to make changes. I am trying very hard. I hope it’s working. Although, reviews of myself like I did today yield a big fat nothing.

Will I ever learn to love and accept myself? I hope so, but I just don’t see it happening. As hard as I try to change and be kinder to myself, it just doesn’t happen. I read a lot of motivational sayings and things like “I love myself”, and “I am happy with who I am”, but I can’t say the words. I DON’T love myself. I hate myself. I always have. I will keep trying though…

I truly hope one day this will change.

Photo by Jou00e3o Cabral on Pexels.com

Published by Meredith Gallie

My name is Meredith. I’m a mother of 4 boys living in NY on Long Island. I suffer from a chronic illness called Sjogren’s Syndrome. It is a debilitating autoimmune disease which has wreaked havoc on my body, causing me to become disabled and mostly housebound. Each day for me is about survival and caring for my children. My older boys are twins, one of which has autism. These are challenges that I must try to overcome each day, but I am thankful for my family. I’m thankful to have a loving husband who is able to help and provide a comfortable life for us. We are thankful for his hard work and dedication. I’m not a writer by any means, but I wanted to make this blog as an outlet for all the noise in my head, as well as something to focus on to keep my brain from melting into a pile of mush. I also hope my thoughts and experiences will help others out there with similar struggles. Some of my posts will be like a public diary, some will be advice and inspiration. Some posts will be dark and sad, some will be uplifting and inspiring. I’m just going to write according to whatever mood I’m feeling at the time. It’s a bumpy ride, but hopefully you find it helpful or entertaining. Enjoy!

2 thoughts on “Consumed by Self Loathing

  1. It sounds like you might be in a dark place. And Its ok. Sjogrens at its best is a daily nuisance and at its worse a daily grind of uncertainty with a multitude of crippling symptoms that unless you have this disease you could not possibly understand and You being a self proclaimed realist, would find it hard to see the glass half full when right now it doesnt sound like its even close. Ok, so this isnt a phony pep talk. I know sometimes ive needed affirmation. Someone who kinda gets its,someone who knows how much it sucks to live this kind of life and all the thoughts that go through, well at least my head. And then I hear my mothers voice telling me “nobody said life was going to be fair” no truer words. I have no great advise but I do know that I love to read your blogs. You’ve been a great help to me. I appreciate you and your determination it has given me strength when i was in need. Try not to be so hard on yourself this disease is physically and mentally draining you are doing the best that you can and thats good enough. Spring is dare i say around the corner..I always feel better in warmer weather. Hang in their for spring!!in your new home, the bulbs will be bursting, the scents on hyacinths..oh yeah. Set small simple task you are mentally strong, those who follow you have seen it! ..try meditation….Go get a massage! Find a support group with those who have chronic illness. Id be interested to hear about that..

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